Noble Intentions

I don’t know if you knew what effect your words would have upon me. I don’t know if you knew how far back you would set me in my quest for the truth. Maybe it’s all a part of the journey, maybe before I can move forward I must step back.

Your words have made me question further, everything that I thought I knew about myself. My struggle has gone from one of searching for that which I knew not, to one of justification for the little that I do know.

I can no longer look for the answers to my many questions, without first breaking down those same questions and searching their inner depths for their intended purpose. What I may find scares me now more than ever before. The path I chose to walk only a few weeks ago, I must now question. Was it really I that chose it, or was I led astray by my false intentions.

When I claim to know how and why I act in the way I do, am I only fooling myself? From your words it is obvious I have not fooled you, yet I do not remember ever wishing to deceive you.

I told you once, not so long ago, that I thought of you as a friend and cared about you in the same way you did for me. Upon reflection, what a foolish statement this was. How can I put you into a box which I cannot define, a box for which I have no reference?

You told me how childish it was to simply mirror affection, you made me promise to always be honest, you told me I could not hurt you. But then you blocked my path, you sent me back the way I came, you banished me from life and in an odd way you set me free.

You asked me if what I possessed could be taught, I hesitated to answer, for I knew the truth would mean losing your trust. The truth is that what I have, I am not proud of, what I have I was not born with, what I have was created, tailored, for my soul.

‘You can be anything you want, if you put your mind to it.’ Who would have thought that I would live out such wise words in such a twisted way. For I become whatever I want to be, and what I want to be changes everyday and every night. I had always laid claim to noble intentions, ‘but I did it for her’ or ‘I did it for him’, however upon introspection maybe ‘I only ever did it for me’.

You never said the words but I felt the trust slip between us, when you questioned me as to how could you possibly know I was being truthfull, and I did not dare answer you truthfully. My silence spoke volumes, yet the look on your face resonated far louder drowning my feeble silence almost instantly.

So, as it comes to transpire, you know me better than I do. All I ask of you is that you tell me who you see. You readily dismiss my laughter and my joy as a cover for my pain, but who gave you the right to look through the windows to my soul.

I stayed away to protect you, but you dug deeper, you pushed harder. I warned you, but you dismissed my warning with a casual wave of your hand, as if to say ‘it’s ok, I’ts ok, I can do this, I will do this, this is not a burden, I don’t feel obliged, I want to do this, I care about you…’

But the truth is that it’s not ok, maybe you can do this but why should you, you might not feel burdened but that’s only because the light inside of you overshadows the darkness I surround you with, I know you don’t feel obliged but you make me feel like I must let you help me, you say you want to help me, that’s illogical, you say you care but you cant tell me why.

You come to help me, and then you ask me to do this for myself. You obviously don’t know me as well as I thought. May be I was wrong about you, may be you were wrong about me, may be we will never know…

Isn’t it funny how we never see it coming? As it rises every morning lighting the sky, lifting the colours and moods of everything it touches, it never clicks that it will pass through its cycle and eventually bring with it the night and all the pain associated.

Isn’t if funny how the darkness comes upon us without warning, how the clouds begin to box in the sun early in the afternoon, how as the day progresses the warmth and blessings of the sun seem to lessen on our faces, how the eerie shadows begin to take their form, how the colours of nature begin to darken and eventually lose their hue altogether, and yet we never see it coming.

How as the evening sets in, even the lights fail to ward off the evil shadows, the window seems to shrink and the darkness seems to overwhelm.

Isn’t is strange that we never see the struggle of the sun, is infact a mirror in the struggle of life, that although we acknowledge that after hardship comes ease, we sometimes forget that the circle does not end there, and actually hardship and ease often chase each others tale, just as the light and the darkness of the sun and moon follow each other almost naturally.

I guess I thought the darkness had left me, I guess I was wrong… the sun had to set eventually, the day had to end with darkness, I dont like the dark, I am afraid of the dark

I’m sitting here keyboard on my lap, feet curled up under me, rocking on my chair…

Thinking of the old days, the days of present and the days to come…

Life by its very nature consists of various cycles, ‘after every hardship comes ease’, ‘what goes around comes around’, ‘life and death’, and if we look further into the beauty of Allah’s creation we see more and more examples of this ‘the rotation of the sun around the moon’, ‘the orbit of the planets’, ‘the water cycle’, and really the list is endless.

There was a time when only the old days mattered, I was constantly looking over my shoulder, constantly remembering the joys, the smiles and the tears of my past, always falling back over the cliff of despair, never looking forward to see the light ahead.

Then came the days of present, the days which to a certain extent I still reside within, having moved on from my past, now only living one day at a time. Treating every day as its own test, with no care or concern for what lay ahead.

And now the circle is nearly complete, for the first time in my life, as far as I can remember anyway, I have started recently to look forward, planning for my future, preparing for the tests that lay ahead, whilst struggling with the trials of today.

If I look back through these three phases of my life, which I honestly believe were inevitable and could not have been avoided, does one phase bring more smiles to my face than another…. yes, I myself would not have believed that it ever could be true, but looking forward towards the light, basking in the rays of my future as they slowly appear over the horizon, I am possibly happier than I have ever been.

As I look towards my future, I am careful not to delete my past, for in amongst the vast pages that many would see destroyed lies a legacy, a lesson or two that maybe I have missed on my journey, a lesson or two for those who I have passed by, and maybe also for those whom I have picked up on the way.

Life is as strange as it is natural, life is as happy as it is sad, life requires even the bedouin to call the desert his home, for there is no escape from life save death, and only Allah knows when the cycle ends.

For me, the day of Eid normally commences the night before, with the now customary sleepless night on the cold, hard floor of the radio station, followed by an early morning phone call home to receive an ear-bashing form my Mother.
“sharam nahi aati hai?” to which I reply which my now somewhat infamous response “kya karou mummy, main koshish karta hun, lakin nahin aati!” This playful exchange always leave us both in fits of laughter.

Anyway this year my mum put her foot down and demanded that I spend the day with them and rightly so too. I know one of my biggest faults is my lack of effort in spending time with my family. Looking back now on yesterday I am so glad I sacrificed my work and gave up my own agenda to spend time with my family.

Yesterday was for me, “one of those to remember.” Normally these rare remembered days lodge themselves in my memory for their tinges of grey, their hints of sadness and their mountains of pain. But yesterday after many years, I remembered the joys of great company (no disrespect intended to those who are my regular compadres). In the presence of good company I am at ease. Due to my incredible sense of modesty I rarely admit it, but I love to impose and force myself into the centre of attention. I love to brew up a storm of sometimes startled, sometimes humoured expressions, through my well known controversial views on normally uncontroversial issues.

Yesterday I met two women who even if I never lay eyes on again will always draw a smile on my face and hold a high rank of respect with me.

I tend to form a somewhat natural bond with anyone who is willing and able to hold their own within an argument or debate. Yesterday. if I do say so myself, I was on top form, thinking quick, shifting direction and focus with guile and ease, trying to outpace ad outwit, yet at the same time praying that those around me would prove themselves worthy adversaries and not be left behind.

For a simple man like myself, these are the few sources of pleasure that remain a constant reminder of my struggle to be a special nobody in a world of very special somebodies.

My inability to conform and my lack of regard for structures and establishments has always been a source of irritation and wonderment for those who cross my path. Wonderment, from those who understand, and may even secretly wish to be as daring, challenging, blase as myself. And irritation, from those who are ignorant to the existence of a free spirit, and who do not understand how one like myself can be so obnoxiously arrogant, yet so charmingly attractive.

The wonders of being different, the buzz that one receives from each and every rule broken can only be experienced, not described. Even I, am unable to wave my magic wand over pen and paper to truly portray how these emotions lift my soul.

The ability to provoke a reaction, the ability to be whoever I need to be, to change my character and my outlook while still holding onto my core values and principles, is something which actually scares me. Over the years I have been so many things to so many people, that when I try to tear away the now redundant layers I find that the suffocated core has begun to rot away, and with it my true identity has been lost.

Am I the conceited, self-centred man that these words portray me as? Am I the soft, gentle man so dear to the hearts of many? Am I the rock who does not care for the words and advice of others? Or am I the froth on the brow of the waves, which is tossed in whichever direction the waves see fit?

Have I finally found a question, to which I have no answer; many would never have thought that possible, for it seems so ironic.

Confucious once said “The ignorant will laugh at me, but the wise will understand”

I guess all those who know me, should be given credit, for it is they who made me the multi- faceted, uneducated, academic that I am today.