The Day of Eid

For me, the day of Eid normally commences the night before, with the now customary sleepless night on the cold, hard floor of the radio station, followed by an early morning phone call home to receive an ear-bashing form my Mother.
“sharam nahi aati hai?” to which I reply which my now somewhat infamous response “kya karou mummy, main koshish karta hun, lakin nahin aati!” This playful exchange always leave us both in fits of laughter.

Anyway this year my mum put her foot down and demanded that I spend the day with them and rightly so too. I know one of my biggest faults is my lack of effort in spending time with my family. Looking back now on yesterday I am so glad I sacrificed my work and gave up my own agenda to spend time with my family.

Yesterday was for me, “one of those to remember.” Normally these rare remembered days lodge themselves in my memory for their tinges of grey, their hints of sadness and their mountains of pain. But yesterday after many years, I remembered the joys of great company (no disrespect intended to those who are my regular compadres). In the presence of good company I am at ease. Due to my incredible sense of modesty I rarely admit it, but I love to impose and force myself into the centre of attention. I love to brew up a storm of sometimes startled, sometimes humoured expressions, through my well known controversial views on normally uncontroversial issues.

Yesterday I met two women who even if I never lay eyes on again will always draw a smile on my face and hold a high rank of respect with me.

I tend to form a somewhat natural bond with anyone who is willing and able to hold their own within an argument or debate. Yesterday. if I do say so myself, I was on top form, thinking quick, shifting direction and focus with guile and ease, trying to outpace ad outwit, yet at the same time praying that those around me would prove themselves worthy adversaries and not be left behind.

For a simple man like myself, these are the few sources of pleasure that remain a constant reminder of my struggle to be a special nobody in a world of very special somebodies.

My inability to conform and my lack of regard for structures and establishments has always been a source of irritation and wonderment for those who cross my path. Wonderment, from those who understand, and may even secretly wish to be as daring, challenging, blase as myself. And irritation, from those who are ignorant to the existence of a free spirit, and who do not understand how one like myself can be so obnoxiously arrogant, yet so charmingly attractive.

The wonders of being different, the buzz that one receives from each and every rule broken can only be experienced, not described. Even I, am unable to wave my magic wand over pen and paper to truly portray how these emotions lift my soul.

The ability to provoke a reaction, the ability to be whoever I need to be, to change my character and my outlook while still holding onto my core values and principles, is something which actually scares me. Over the years I have been so many things to so many people, that when I try to tear away the now redundant layers I find that the suffocated core has begun to rot away, and with it my true identity has been lost.

Am I the conceited, self-centred man that these words portray me as? Am I the soft, gentle man so dear to the hearts of many? Am I the rock who does not care for the words and advice of others? Or am I the froth on the brow of the waves, which is tossed in whichever direction the waves see fit?

Have I finally found a question, to which I have no answer; many would never have thought that possible, for it seems so ironic.

Confucious once said “The ignorant will laugh at me, but the wise will understand”

I guess all those who know me, should be given credit, for it is they who made me the multi- faceted, uneducated, academic that I am today.

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