I Don’t Understand.

I don’t know if you knew what effect your words would have upon me. I don’t know if you knew how far back you would set me in my quest for the truth. Maybe it’s all a part of the journey, maybe before I can move forward I must step back.

Your words have made me question further, everything that I thought I knew about myself. My struggle has gone from one of searching for that which I knew not, to one of justification for the little that I do know.

I can no longer look for the answers to my many questions, without first breaking down those same questions and searching their inner depths for their intended purpose. What I may find scares me now more than ever before. The path I chose to walk only a few weeks ago, I must now question. Was it really I that chose it, or was I led astray by my false intentions.

When I claim to know how and why I act in the way I do, am I only fooling myself? From your words it is obvious I have not fooled you, yet I do not remember ever wishing to deceive you.

I told you once, not so long ago, that I thought of you as a friend and cared about you in the same way you did for me. Upon reflection, what a foolish statement this was. How can I put you into a box which I cannot define, a box for which I have no reference?

You told me how childish it was to simply mirror affection, you made me promise to always be honest, you told me I could not hurt you. But then you blocked my path, you sent me back the way I came, you banished me from life and in an odd way you set me free.

You asked me if what I possessed could be taught, I hesitated to answer, for I knew the truth would mean losing your trust. The truth is that what I have, I am not proud of, what I have I was not born with, what I have was created, tailored, for my soul.

‘You can be anything you want, if you put your mind to it.’ Who would have thought that I would live out such wise words in such a twisted way. For I become whatever I want to be, and what I want to be changes everyday and every night. I had always laid claim to noble intentions, ‘but I did it for her’ or ‘I did it for him’, however upon introspection maybe ‘I only ever did it for me’.

You never said the words but I felt the trust slip between us, when you questioned me as to how could you possibly know I was being truthfull, and I did not dare answer you truthfully. My silence spoke volumes, yet the look on your face resonated far louder drowning my feeble silence almost instantly.

So, as it comes to transpire, you know me better than I do. All I ask of you is that you tell me who you see. You readily dismiss my laughter and my joy as a cover for my pain, but who gave you the right to look through the windows to my soul.

I stayed away to protect you, but you dug deeper, you pushed harder. I warned you, but you dismissed my warning with a casual wave of your hand, as if to say ‘it’s ok, I’ts ok, I can do this, I will do this, this is not a burden, I don’t feel obliged, I want to do this, I care about you…’

But the truth is that it’s not ok, maybe you can do this but why should you, you might not feel burdened but that’s only because the light inside of you overshadows the darkness I surround you with, I know you don’t feel obliged but you make me feel like I must let you help me, you say you want to help me, that’s illogical, you say you care but you cant tell me why.

You come to help me, and then you ask me to do this for myself. You obviously don’t know me as well as I thought. May be I was wrong about you, may be you were wrong about me, may be we will never know…

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